``blithe indifference
Saturday, July 26, 2008
「 auditited on 9:57:00 PM 」


Hello my dear friend.

I've decided to make today a 'No Study Day'. So... here i am!

I know i have been....
- outcasting myself
- pangsehing you 26482 times dues to various reasons such as moodswings, panic attacks(blardiprelimsandalvls), reluctance to stay out late and effed up schedules
- a difficult person

I know havent been...
- an adequate friend
- contacting you enough
- asking you out
- getting updates of your life
- updating you about my own life
- there for you when you got upset
- there to share your joy when you were happy

rah i dont know. all these concerns have been popping in and out of my mind the past few weeks. but i guess it's one thing to care and another to really do something about it. i wish that i can do something concrete about it too.

met michelle yeo ghim niong by chance at marine parade just the other day and i had the feeling that i've been missing out on so much of her life. i was seriously damn glad to meet her and i felt like i could relate to her the same as before. but.. i just couldnt seem to shake away the feeling that we're at different phases of life now. and it's the same with everyone else. it's just that between all my friends and i, we have totally different sets of priorities now. at this point of time, all i want to do is to work really hard for alvls and prelims and at least try my best to set the many wrongs over the past 3 years right again. haha yes, it's 3 years. damn.

for all the days of school which ive skipped just cause i lacked the discipline to drag myself to school, for all the tutorials and lectures ive skipped, for all the homework ive copied, for never having prepared a single tutorial for econs and only one tutorial for physics(i remember the topic.. it's quantum! haha), for all the times i sat through lessons trying to convince the teacher that i was paying attention when in fact nothing was going in, for all the days spent playing when i could have been better off studying-- i really just want to mug my ass off now. it's this really huge hurdle right infront of me which i really hope to clear. and i dont just want to scrape a pass.

it's not that i dont wanna meet up with you, but more like i dont feel like going out just to slack around. if i have not been retained, i guess at this time last year we could have met up very frequently to study outside together. but haha the truth remains, right now i'll just have to bear with it for awhile and study alone or with sam, mich, charles, classies, karen if they are free. there are really so few people now who can study with me. haha. it's true i met some really great people and got into an interesting class aft i got retained but no matter what, i can never truly feel like i belong to this batch of people. it's just.. different? it's everything, the whole feeling. boohoo.

so my dear friend, im just hoping for some understanding which i know i dont deserve. im not exactly having the best time of my life now.. im just learning to cope alone and stay optimistic. sorry k.. for everything. i just need a few more months.

ok whatever it is.. hello my dear friend, i still love you! :D