``blithe indifference
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
「 auditited on 10:41:00 PM 」


heyho!



maths test tomorrow and i'm feeling seriously screwed. im so damn worried about march progress report i dont think there's enough time or even chances for me to make amendments now. guess i'm finally getting out of holiday mood. haha! whoa whoa i sure take a long time to adapt. anywayy! i'll study really hard from now onwards and try really hard to keep up with tutorials. especially physics. realise i havent done a single physics tutorial in advance in my life and i feel especially guilty ever since mrs loo took over cos shes such a great teacher. (: shall try as far as possible not to disappoint her! yepyep will study everydayyyyyy! knock my head if i dont :D



anyway, for those who noticed what happened during maths period today........ haha. no worries alright it's just me feeling cranky. was already in reaaaaaallly low spirits thinking through stuff while preparing to go to school. and i just had to be late. by like 5 minutes. raah. in the end i didnt dare to face tong and had to wait opposite in my mum's car. and mum was seething mad. so basically i got scolded real bad and i just felt... horrible. like i have totally no control over my own life and everything's going topsy turvy. and i suck so much as a person. i dont see how anyone can be so lacking time management and self-discipline. and i really dont know why i need so much sleep when everyone else around me is functioning perfectly well sleeping just 4 hours a day. RAAH. to sum it up: i'm just plain lazy. ): and! once i start, i can't stop. haha. uhm, thanks to sam, mich, karan, rach, chris, max, ym and anyone else who expressed concern in one way or another. yep. really appreciated it, although i might not have seemed really receptive. heh. thanks lots. :)



and.. im troubled by something! hmm! it's regarding a person whom i've known half my life. i guess you know who you are. one thing's for sure, you've been a great friend. i know that i can count on you to be there for me, always. and i admit that i havent exactly played the role of the friend whom i was supposed to be. just wanna say that i'm really not as nonchalant as i might have appeared to be. i do give a shyt about the friendship which we have, so to speak. haha. but i guess... circumstances have changed. sure, you can make the claim that what is true does not change with time. but really, how much of that applies in real life. we both know that things have changed, although i can't say if it's for the better or for the worse. There are thoughts and feelings which i had hoped would go away with time. but i can't help but think or feel the way i do, even up till now. would rather keep these feelings suppressed, but i think it'll be totally unfair to you. and the thing is, i really have no idea how to relate to you anymore. i understand the way you feel about what just happened. you must think me an ungrateful bitch who can't even spare some time for you. and then you must have ended off by concluding that i dont give a damn about you. that i would rather run off with big group of friends rather than spend some quiet time with you. haha. ive guessed correctly right? yeahhh. i know im smart. but before you start thinking these thoughts, have you wondered why i was pissed in the first place. you asked me out for dinner two days before. and up till the day before, i was still pretty hyped up about it. and i was so, even while chatting to siwei on msn and telling her that i would be spending vday with you. and i'll let you know that at that point of time, i had no other plans at all. and then she said that you had work. and i was still saying that you didnt, cos you asked me out for dinner. and the next moment? you said that you had work till 10pm and so you'll meet me then and we can go siwei's pub and blah. like, wow? as though meeting at 10pm is the most unimportant detail and of course, there would be no harm springing it up on me at the very last moment after finalising everything else. i have no idea if you have even considered the possibility that i might have left the whole evening for you. i tried to keep my cool, you didnt take the hint. i lost my cool, you sensed it. but still, you didnt understand why. i think, right up to the moment you read this... you didnt understand what it was all about, right? and i can't say for sure if you even understand it now. but well. i've done my part of the explanation, despite the fact that i was really disappointed. mainly due to the the realisation that perhaps, our years of friendship have not done much in helping us understand each other. i think. let's just leave it as that for a while.

aha. time to go do work.